#TheQuittingDairies: Tears, Mental Health Meltdowns and Cravings

We all have bad days but this week has been one where my emotions have taken control and I'm starting to wonder if I've made the right decision? 

Doubting whether i've made the right choice is normal, I do on a daily basis but I've hit a patch of complete and utter meltdown mode and the cravings have returned to the point where I've considered buying a packet of cigarettes and smoke them all. 

It started on Tuesday night, my anxiety hit the roof and I couldn't sleep, my mind was completely consumed with anxieties and that has continued for the rest of the week. 

"I'm exhausted and emotionally gone through a process of complete and utter anger, depression and extreme anxiety."

I just feel like I've lost complete control and although I usually can get through these rough patches and get back onto an even keel, over the last few days I've completely lost it.

I've screamed, sobbed and nearly had a full on meltdown, becoming increasingly irritable and just want to be left alone by everyone and just don't want to communicate with anyone at all as at the moment I can't handle it.

I can't handle anything else and my mind is clouded and I can't focus at all on anything and making simple decisions a nightmare.

I also stupidly decided that I needed to have counselling whilst trying to quit smoking, going through all my emotional problems without cigarettes is just not the right thing to do as I'm dragging everything I don't want to think about or indeed talk about to the surface and I honestly think I've put to much pressure on myself to do everything at once without thinking about the consequences or putting other coping strategies in place. 

It's something that I really need to sit down and chat to someone about and try to put things into perspective as I've been doing so well up until this point. 

I haven't had a cigarette in two weeks and although thats a really positive thing, it now seems to be the wrong thing like I've actually done this to fast and prepared for any complications that might come up, counselling being one of them. 

My mum suggested that I should just get a packet of emergency cigarettes which is a great suggestion but I'm being my usual stubborn self thinking that this will send me back to the beginning and I won't be able to quit and to be quite honest I think that this is my irrational brain taking over and not seeing that I might need to take a step back to make the progression because I'm struggling to cope and now I'm thinking that this might not be the right time to do this. 

I don't want to let anyone down including myself because I've made the choice to not rely on something that will eventually kill me (although in my depressive state I honestly couldn't care less!) and the usual distraction techniques I normally use are not working as well as I had hoped. 

I'm frustrated with it all as it feels like I'm losing the plot and I honestly need my head to be straight a the moment as there is so much going on and I'm feeling like I can't be bothered with anything and I don't want to do it anymore although i'll enjoy it which includes leaving my house. 

"I've always struggled with the internal battle of anxiety and depression as they tag team and work together constantly and they have a major attitude problem."

I feel like crap at the moment and I can't see past the negativity at the moment and I do have the inner strength but it seems to have gone on holiday and left me with the two badasses that are Anxiety and Depression.


This is as a result of the counselling and I do need to talk about my negative thoughts at the same time I really don't want to go through it all again. It's like ripping off a plaster over and over again on a semi-healed wound and then picking at it until it bleeds hoping that over time it'll be healed.

The thing is I'm thinking should I let it be and just get through this before I go back down the rabbit hole that is my own mental health and dealing with things that seem to never resolve themselves as there are still constant reminders in my life of the issues I'm trying to deal with.

All this is just emotional vomit and I've been a little bit sloppy in writing my thoughts down before they become too much and overwhelm me to the point where I do meltdown which I can't do as it'll just cause so much destruction and pain for myself and my mum who shouldn't have to deal with it at all because she doesn't need the emotional stress and the anxiety that comes with it.

It's distressing and it's a negative cycle, but I do need to figure out all this and make sure I'm a pleasant person to live with and not a complete and utter nightmare that just goes mental at the smallest thing.

I'm sorry that this has become a post of emotional vomit but I need to show this side because as I have already stated we all have bad days.

Actually with Aspergers it does seem to be more on the scale of:

• Great days
• Good days
• Okay days
• Uneasy days
• Bad days
• Terrible days
• Meltdown Crisis Mode days

I've not hit Meltdown mode yet but I've felt like I'm been heading towards it for a while and I've kept it hidden as much as I can whilst internally screaming but it's all apart of this experience and I'm going to go through these stages at times. 

Luckily I have my appointment with the stop smoking service on Tuesday so I might feel better about everything and just allow myself to feel all this and process it without feeling like I'm setting myself up to fail. 

Maybe I should just get myself a packet of cigarettes and just keep them in a draw for emergencies for now and hopefully I won't feel guilty about it when I do smoke because I actually need it. 

This is me irrationally trying to reason with myself - it is a complicated process and irritating. 

Next week I will try to be more postive self - I can't make any promises but I will try.