When The Mask Slips Off

It can be difficult in Social Situations to engage and interact with the people you work, socialise and live with. 

Many of us use the technique of Masking, which in a sense is copying 'Normal" behaviour but in social situations if the trusty mask slips it can be the most awkward thing in the world and misread by your friends, work colleagues and even to some degree family. 

We've all seen many TV programmes now integrating Autistic Characters into their dramas and comedies with the most popular  being Sheldon off The Big Bang Theory, but as per usual there hasn't been a development of Autistic girls in TV programmes due to the lack of awareness and also because when it comes to performing extreme autistic characteristics in forms of behaviour there is a lot more documentation on Males with Aspergers and Autism in general. 

Which in a way is ironic, but aside from this Masking is something that I sometimes feel girls do more effectively as there is an expectation that girls have to fit in more with their peers and their social groups. 

I've never been good at noticing when this happens, I usually feel like it's a brick wall being built on the inside of me to protect myself and pass myself off as 'Normal' but in the end when I feel like I've had enough it suddenly slips and this can be for numerous reasons. 

 

Being able to mask is a brilliant tool to have, but it does mean that you are presenting a false aspect of yourself, it's something that we do to make everyone else around us like us or feel safe with us but in the end and my honest opinion is: 

Why should we?? 

It seems if people are finally starting to recognise and understand Autism then they should in theory understand the social pressure that is put upon us in  these types of situations. 

The first big thing I learnt to master is eye contact although now I let it slip and do look away from people as keeping my focus has become a little bit more difficult as I get older and I'm being honest when I'm bored of the same conversation topic which does not interest me. 

Listening in to the topic of conversation is also difficult, I've learnt to smile and nod, also through in some appropriate facial expressions I try to through those in but in the end it's trail and error as really if you don't understand the context of the situation or even the story that is being told then it can be the most awkward thing to go through. The same thing goes for jokes. 

You being silent as you have nothing to pitch into the conversation is another thing, I automatically go into my own head which is normal for me, again another symptom of boredom so zoning out is going to happen and I even do it with family if I've heard the same thing over and over. It's something that I'm not aware of but when I do it and someone has asked me a question I have to conjure an answer out of thin air very quickly. 

Some of us girls are lucky in the sense with a late diagnosis we've had to mask to fit in and also to survive. The world is a minefield when it comes to social interaction but we have to do it to progress in life. 

I've had situations where I've let mine slip off in front of my friends and in truth they should know that I do mask and from time to time it falls off, but when it does it was misread and I was basically told I was being Sarcastic. 

Baring in mind that I struggle to even know what Sarcasm is and how to actually be sarcastic is not in my nature as I don't understand it, let alone use it. 

So there was a joke I think that was said and I didn't understand but was frightened of saying "I don't Understand." because you know I wanted to fit in so I did this laugh which maybe sounded Sarcastic, but it was really my mask slipping off which is something that happens from time to time and after the comment from my friend, I tried to be light hearted about it and just replied: 

"Oops sorry my mask slipped off then." 

To have the reaction of everyone staring at me and looking at me with a strange type of look, I did not explain myself but the comment confused them a little bit too much but the discomfort that I felt was horrifying as my friends know I'm autistic and they know that socialising is difficult at the best of times. But I carried on and try to do my best in any situation. 

So what can you do to stop it from happening? The answer is unfortunately nothing.

I'm sorry to say this but when your mask goes or slips, your laid bare for the whole world to see and that mask is like your armour that protects you or a mirror that reflects what people want to see or hear from you to make them more comfortable. 

It's an inner battle between the autistic you and the fake 'NT' you, kind of like the anxiety battle and Mr or Miss Anxiety always likes to stick their ore in where it's not wanted making you over analyse everything you've said or do just because you might have got something socially wrong. 

All you can do is try again, but never apologise for your actions, never explain yourself and never allow anybody to make you feel belittled or small because of the fact that you are different! That's my number 1 rule, I don't apologise for being me and neither do I apologise for my autism. 

I'm proud to be autistic and it is physically and mentally exhausting to be a different person that is accepted just for mirroring everyone else around us. There needs to be some change to social standards and understanding that autistic people need to have the chance to be themselves and you all wonder where our identity is not able to be defined let alone understood. 

It is easy to lock the door and not go out and socialise but this is not the right thing to do, you need to go out and meet different people Autistic and NT alike. But do it in your own time, if you need to with draw, just go out and have five minutes to yourself and then come back into the situation when you're ready.

I hope you guys are okay and always remember you're not alone :) x