#TheQuittingDairies: Irrational Thought Processes , Allergic Reactions and A Packet of Cigs

I thought I was doing so well and then I crashed due to extreme stress so it was a case of mental health over no cigs and I chose the better of two evils! 

That doesn't mean to say I've given up on quitting, it just means that I've gone to fast and I needed to rethink my options as I can't constantly meltdown all the time and flip out over little things due to the fact that i'm withdrawing. 

I knew somewhere along the road my body would bite back and let me know how disgruntled it is and it has done it in the most spectacular fashion with big red swollen blisters that itch constantly and burn all the time and no period this month ( I'll go into further detail on that later). 

So today I had to do something about it and I bought a packet of cigs, I know that this is a bad thing but I have to take a step back and feel better emotionally. 

"I went cold turkey too fast and I've come to the stage where it's been more than a week of screaming, crying and not feeling well." 

My mental health is a worry as I constantly live in a state of heightened anxiety and it's exhausting to live in that state.

Adding to the mental health nightmare is the fact that my skin is driving me nuts due to being so sensitive to everything including nicotine patches!!!

I've got rid of the patches, because i've been getting red patches every single day for 6 weeks and also experiencing blistering of my skin so I now don't have nicotine patches as I'm allergic to an ingredient.
I also noticed that the eczema on my hands where significantly getting worse with the patches, my skin was violently red and cracked as well as sore, it's now clearing up since I have removed the patches from my skin. 

After two weeks you shouldn't have red patches on your skin after wearing the patch but my skin has constantly had red patches and the other week I began to notice that my skin on my legs was sore and itchy. 

On closer inspection I found that I had little blisters forming on my thighs which I thought was due to stress and so I put a mixture of coconut oil and tea tree on my skin to help cool and calm my skin.

It didn't help, my skin was on fire and I actually couldn't sleep because I was uncomfortable and in a lot of pain.

I was scratching so much that I've bruised my legs and they now look like a mess, since not wearing the patches my skin has calmed down and getting back to normal thankfully but without the patches i'm struggling to cope with gum alone.

I gave up on the inhalator because of the taste and I'm not alone apparently as lots of other people who are trying to quit are reporting the same thing.

"I can only describe the taste as sweaty, gone off fish and it's disgusting as a vegan I haven't tasted something like that in a long time and it's made me feel ill."

Instead I've swapped it for the fast acting spray which I'm going to start using to see if it reduces cravings along with the gum to see if that helps.

I have been considering other options to help me quit smoking which is something that when the anger fits and anxiety have passed seem to be logical but need to be really thought out and planned rather than a knee jerk reaction to my irrational state of mind at the moment.

I have a safe option and then I have two other options which are more of a quick fix but could have an impact on my physical health which is something that I will have to thing about and way up my options.

The safe option can be expensive if you see a trained therapist.

 Hypnotherapy is something that I have been considering quite a lot because it's holistic, calming and effective but it is rather expensive and I don't think I'd be able to afford it at the moment.
The only way to overcome not being able to see a hypnotherapist in person would be to get a stop smoking hypnotherapy book with a CD/Download that I can listen to when asleep.

This option is also the safest option as it doesn't have any negative side effects unlike the other option (i'll talk about that in a minute) and I have been receptive to these types of therapies in the past for anxiety, stress and not being able to sleep.

The second option is one that I have considered in an irrational mindset and this one is something that I really have to think about as it will allow me to stop smoking in two weeks but at the same time will have nasty side effects that I know for a fact my body won't like.

That option being medication.

Medication can do more harm than good and I really don't want to put myself through side effects such as feeling constantly nauseous (as with anxiety I already suffer from constant nausea on a daily basis) and knowing this frightens me as usually I don't cope very well with medications.

I was offered medication to help me stop in my first session and I knew at the time it seemed like something I didn't want to do although it was a quicker solution due to my past experience with other medications it just seemed like a no go.

However with the weeks progressing and the mental health struggles I am seriously kicking myself thinking I've done it the hard way and there was an easier option that would mean I'd be cigarette free by now and not a depressed, angry, volatile, stressed,  anxious Aspergers mess!

The third option is that i'm not ready to do this (or I never will be) and I've tried and thats okay but just stop trying to quit all together and come to terms with it and have everyone be disappointed in me for giving up.

"It's something that in my irrational and angry state I think about, that I've made a huge mistake and i'm pushing myself to please others rather than thinking about myself and my mental health."

 Yes it's irrational and I'm angry but in that mindset on a deep level I might be right, maybe I caved into other people's opinions and their insensitivity to something that allows me to control everything they wouldn't like about me if they saw the angry, frustrated, depressed, anxious mess hidden beneath a well crafted, high quality, socially acceptable mask that I present to them.

This is when everything does get complicated, they don't understand that my autism is something that I have to hide on a daily basis because it's not socially acceptable and I've covered this on the blog a lot that it feels like I'm repeating it over and over until someone listens.

It also means that giving up something that is basically a coping strategy all be it a negative one actually is a challenge as I said at the start of this series and it's breaking a routine.

Autistic people don't like to change their routines, my routines are there to help me cope with a world that is so isolating and completely infuriating to someone like me that if a cigarette helps me to cope then why should I get rid of it?

I'm stubborn and I know that, it's my worst trait in a way but once I've set my mind to something I don't give up on it.

That stubbornness turns into determination and when that kicks in I'm focused, I'm driven and I'm a force to be reckoned with but in the end I always get to where I want to be even if it's not the conventional or socially accepted way of doing it.

I have thought throughout this process that I'm starting to forget why I'm quitting and that I'm doing it for everyone else rather than myself.

I've lost a sense of who i'm doing this for and that pressure is starting to get to me.

I've inadvertently piled pressure onto myself to please others and rather than just accepting that I'm having bad days, I feel like i'm letting people down and I feel guilty.

I feel guilty for struggling, I feel guilty for craving and I feel guilty for smoking and it's breaking me.

 This is all irrational and it's not my fault and more importantly it's not anyone else's fault, but in my anxious and depressive state thats how I feel and it's making me frustrated, I'm isolating myself from social situations and i'm miserable. 

I'll admit I'm miserable and I know this is just a wobble or the part of the process where it's going to be difficult and i'm wondering can I actually cope?

I can't see past the sobbing fits, the anger and the mood swings - it's like being constantly PMS-y all the time and the ironic thing is I haven't had a period due to stress.

Ladies you can miss a period due to stress and it's completely normal! 

 They are called a phantom or ghost period, where you get the hormones, bloating, sensitive boobs and mood swings but no bleeding.

I've had this before when I was in my last year of university and I did have a period once I'd relaxed and although being on holiday it was a normal period but a little bit heavier than usual.

This has also stressed me out and made me panic because I'm not bleeding, I'm not on my period and then my mind spins out of control thinking there is something seriously wrong with me which then creates the negative cycle of anxiety, frustration, self doubt, beating myself up and finally a sobbing, depressed mess who wants to eat her entire body weight in food.

The thing is I really don't like having periods anyway so I should be celebrating rather than going on a massive anxiety rollercoaster and be relived that my body is giving me a break for a change!!


Basically I've hit a giant wall and now i'm frustrated and impatient as I really do push myself without thinking about the phycological impact it will have on me and i've done this time and time again and you'd think I would've learn't that by now but I'm stubborn and determined which can have a negative impact when eventually I burn out and hit a massive wall.

So here I am looking at the wall and thinking how am I going to overcome this?


The answer:

Slow down,  take a deep breath, think about what you need to do to minimise the stress, don't apply pressure to yourself and don't beat yourself up if you hit a stumbling block.


Because in the end I'm setting myself up to fail and I haven't come this far to fail!


Sophie xxx