#TheQuittingDairies: Cutting Down and Anxiety

It's not even Friday yet and already I'm becoming aggravated and anxious!

09/05/2018:

Today I said to myself that I'll reduce my cigarettes down and although I'm a light smoker (10-15 a day) I'm already struggling mentally. 

I did say to myself that it will be okay if I still have 8 cigarettes today but if I can deal with less than that well that'll be a bonus!

I know that I will do it and that I'm possibly got other things going on in my head that are affecting the way I'm able to cope with cutting down but when I'm stressed my mind tells me I need/want nicotine! 

I don't need/want it, but there is this pressure in the back of mind and I'm trying to ignore the little voices in my head that are whispering to me at the moment. 

I've had 4 cigarettes today (so thats a positive) and have been chewing the nicotine gum when I feel that I want a cig rather than need one. 

I don't know if this is a reaction to a subtle change in a routine? 

Routines are important and I know that any change with a warning or even with a plan of action can sometimes still make an autistic person feel unsure and unsafe which then has a knock on effect in their behaviour and how they manage in everyday situations. 

I've managed to come off medications cold turkey after being addicted to them for a number of years but I've always had cigarettes to fall back on and I think that somewhere in the back of my mind I haven't prepared for the massive change of coming off or even cutting down on the amount of nicotine I can have and feel like I can cope without it in my system all together. 

This is what always happens! I think I have a plan and then the first day I feel like everything is falling apart! 

I feel distracted, on edge, frustrated, angry and really anxious.

 I actually want to just cry right now this minute! 


I should be going to the shops but I feel frozen to the spot like I don't want to go out, because I'm on high alert with my anxiety. 

I don't want to leave the house although I know a walk will do some good as it'll clear my head, give me focus (as I actually do need to buy household items and food) and kick my happy hormones in the bum and get them stimulated in a different way! 

I'm not in a meltdown stage yet which I'm pleased about and I know I can text or call my stop smoking advisor at any point if I'm feeling like I need some reassurance but I feel like there is a deadline looming over my head and I don't want to meet it. 

I've written before that failure isn't a bad thing as it's just your first attempt, but at the same time the reality of what I'm trying to do is setting in and it's frightening me! 

I don't want to feel like this and be negative, I do want to have the strength to say I can do this and I can cope but it's getting my anxiety and depression to shut up in the process! 

Something that I've realised is that this might be not only a reaction to a change in routine but also letting go of a coping strategy that I've been utilising for years. 

Although a very unhealthy coping strategy I still feel like I need it; but on Friday I'll have to let it go once on for all and I haven't really thought of the implications of doing that as I was swept up in the anxiety of yesterday and now reality is literally smacking me in the face! 

Anyway less negativity more positivity!!! 

I've been doing the right thing and distracting myself and slowly introducing the chewing gum in when I feel a craving (after a while it tastes disgusting but I'm coping) and trying not to get upset when I feel like I really need a cigarette and allowing myself to actually have one. 

I've had four so far, if I have eight like I did yesterday thats fine by me! I'm not going to be beat myself up for giving in! 

It's difficult when you see people smoking as temptation kicks in but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it rather than shutting myself away from the world. 

It's getting that balance between feeling confident and secure with yourself and like all things it takes time as I'm autistic, I always feel insecure and constantly feel like I need reassurance from others! 

I never feel like I'm doing the right thing but actually I'm just going about it a different way that others and thats okay so long as I reach my end goal. 

If I feel like it's all to fast I can slow down and do it at my own pace because at the end of the day it's my mind and my body!

And I can tell you now if my mind doesn't like it then it'll tell me as it has a knock on effect to my dexterity (dyspraxia kicks off and I shake), I'll be in more pain due to stress and I'll be a nightmare to be around! 

I have to listen to it and go at the pace it wants rather than push myself too much, have the biggest meltdown of my life and actually smoke more in the process.... 

So here I am on the first day and surprisingly coping better than I expected right now! 

Yes it's just the beginning and I'm still processing but I'm doing my best and dealing with it in the only way I know how to! 

I'm going to sign off because I need to go for a walk, clear my head and also start making some food for later!