#The Quitting Dairies: Eating Out, Wobbles and Self Doubt

I've managed to cut down my cigarettes down to 3-4 a day with the aid of a patch and worked out the little issues that made me have a wobble. 

I'm currently sat here writing this post and feeling pretty rubbish at the moment as I've just been to the doctors and as expected something made my anxiety hit the roof and sky rocket into the galaxy and as I'm typing, I'm coming over the emotional high and trying not to hit the emotional low that comes next. 

But this weekend has been positive in many ways and I don't want to take away from the good days just because I'm having yet again another wobble and self doubt is lurking in the shadows. 

I actually started my patch early.. I said Friday but in fact I needed to put it on way before because I was setting myself up for failure doing it just with the gum alone. 

It was my mum who suggested putting on the patches and then seeing how I coped from there and I have to say it's been a lot easier to avoid going out for a cig rather than pacing the floor until I burn a hole in it because my cravings are getting overwhelming! 

I made the decision to start the patches on Thursday (10th May) and felt like I could manage although there were on going anxieties still whizzing around my head at an alarming speed and I just couldn't cope without them and I was doing really well although there have been a few bumps and meltdowns that have had to be averted with the use of a cigarette rather than the gum because it's just not the same. 

I've noticed some unwanted changes to my body with the patches which I'm slightly concerned about but really don't want to go on medication for obvious reasons as my little body is very sensitive. 

**Warning - this might get a little gross!**

"I sweat a lot, I have done since I was a teenager and I have tried everything known to man to stop this from happening. I use deodorant more than twice a day (it's more like 5-6 times a day) plus showering pretty much a lot and shaving my underarms to combat the horrid smell that might radiate from my body."

Since I've had the patches on it has got worse because surprise it's a side effect and I'm not happy because I have pit stains on my nice clothes, the stench is disgusting and I know as a woman I'm allowed to change my outfit but seriously more than twice a day is getting stupid with a shower or more coats of deodorant for good measure! 

I did read the leaflet before I put on the patch as I do have an allergy to something called Zinc Oxide which you can find in plasters and other skin care products which makes my skin burn, blister and turn a shade or lobster red that would scare the living daylights out of someone if they didn't know what it was! 

There is only so many times a girl can put up with sweat droplets trickling down her arms and the pit stains growing  and ruining her really nice t-shirts, dresses and jackets before something needs to change! 

I'll talk about what decision I made later on or in a different post but the battle against my own pores has officially begun! 

I feel disgusting and I don't feel like a girl... I feel just ew! Thats how I can describe it.... 

 Chris Evans before he was Captain America

Moving on... I'm doing well with the patch and I can't really afford not to wear it so I might just have to grin and bare the pit stains, sweating uncontrollably and feeling like I'm going to explode into flames like the human torch because I'm boiling and have no control over my temperature. 

I managed to go out for a meal with my lovely friends on Saturday night which caused a lot of anxiety in itself because being allergic to foods and being vegan isn't easy.  

Let alone trying to quit Smoking! 

I have a lot of anxiety about eating out anyway and whilst trying to quit I've noticed this has spiked even more as I have to have a cigarette after a meal and I knew that I might struggle so being the anxious person that I am I was worrying about the should I take my 20 deck with me or not?

 I took double the amount of gum and the cigarettes with me and dealt with my stinky, sweaty, awful pits before I left the house!! 

I think the anxiety steamed from when I went out on Thursday (Day 1 of patches).

 I went to Manchester with my mum just because I really wanted to get out of the house for a while because I've noticed I'm getting cabin fever recently and headed to a very popular coffee shop for a iced soya latte and sat in the sunshine in St Annes Square watching the world go by, this in theory was a lovely thing to do but I started to notice everyone smoking around me and it's torture! 

The smell is one that you can't resist but at the time feel like you might actually vomit because it's so over powering and then I realised this is what a non-smoker must feel like everyday. 

I was coping brilliantly and had only two cigs that day and did take some rolling tabacco with me but I kept feeling this overwhelming sensation of craving whilst being disgusted ( it's a very strange feeling) and I was starting to become a little frustrated as someone did actually stand by me whilst I was sat on a bench blowing smoke in my direction and I wanted to scream: 

"I'M TRYING TO QUIT GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!" 

Now this lovely human, who didn't realise that they were being insensitive and didn't know they were making someone feel incredibly uncomfortable because they are, you know, rubbing the one thing you want more in the world right in front of your face and you're in two minds whether to scream at them or rip the damn cigarette from their hands and stamp it out on the floor just to stop them from smoking.

I've now learnt from this experience when you're quitting this above is the worst bit because you can't tell a complete stranger not to smoke near you because a) it's awkward and b) it's Manchester and you could get yourself into a lot of trouble.

I did get some retail therapy, I did.. I admit I needed a distraction, clothes and shoes are the best medicine!

The problem was with the Aspergers, the shop was packed, people are ignorant because they can't see said Aspergers and I was not in the best frame of mind to go into a shop for what seemed like forever looking at clothes ( I mean I bought clothes and shoes - it's rude not to) and after spending a good two hours I needed a cigarette, and i wasn't in the mood to roll one so I nipped into tesco and I bought a packet of twenty and as soon as I got outside I had to light it and smoke!

I was also supposed to go to the pub that night and well that got cancelled so instead I was sat at home, drinking tea and watching Netflix.

"My smoking gets worst as it is predominately  anxiety based and it is my go to coping crux for anxiety, although I'm slowly replacing it with the gum but it's not the same." 

When at home it's easier to resist temptation as you can distract yourself from it and focus on something else as you're in your own environment and therefore less stressed and anxious but I can't be a hermit or social recluse because I can't handle others smoking around me!

Friday was okay.. so there is no report there and I did have 5 cigs but I'm not going to beat myself up!!

Really shouldn't watch this when Hungry!

Saturday was the test as I hadn't seen my friends since I'd started to quit and they all understand and we were all bored and not doing much so I suggested (after watching Deadpool and craving Pizza) why don't we go out for a bite to eat and a few drinks?

Now in theory, thats a lovely idea, in practice it was harder because although I knew the restaurant we were going to catered to my dietary requirements (I have a few allergies as well as being vegan so you can see why I get anxious about going out to eat!) I hadn't factored in that when I have alcohol I smoke more and also when I eat I need a cigarette afterwards... some people have coffee I have a cigarette!

But I coped, I felt like I could stop worrying because I was with my friends, I had Pizza and a laugh (I miss laughing sometimes) and well my friends are really, really supportive of what I'm trying to do at the moment.

I'd almost forgot that I wanted a cigarette at one point as I was just happy to be with my friends and yes I had one alcoholic drink with my meal (It was bourbon and coke if you really want to know) but it didn't really make me crave one to the point where I had to leave the restaurant just to have one.


It was the best thing I could've done for myself and I got to catch up on everything that was happening in my friends lives and also listen to some gross and hilarious stories throughout the night.

The most depressing moment of that evening, coming home at half 10 in the evening!!!

We're getting old and the appeal to go out all night on the town has officially shrivelled up and died!

Sunday I was really good again and just did what I had to do and found that I had 3 cigarettes and Monday wasn't too bad either!

Yesterday I was still on four cigarettes and even managed to replace one with a lot of chewing gum!

At the moment I'm  positive and can't wait to update my Stop Smoking Advisor on Tuesday Next Week!!!