＃Handbook: Believing in Yourself

Self Doubt is something that we all have to face whether Autistic or not.

It's a never ending and continuous cycle that can be due to low self esteem, depression and anxiety and in the end is a hard battle to fight. All those negative voices that circle in your head telling you the same old lies over and over again can be hard to ignore, but knowing that you have come so far from where ever you started can be the light in a sea of darkness. 

This is something that I live with due to having severe Depression and Chronic Anxiety, I've come so far in the last decade of my life from being in a mental health unit for a whole year after having the worst experience of my life at school. 

I've touched on my experiences at school in previous blog posts where I described what happened to me and how it had made me a stronger person later on in my life but I still hear those negative comments they creep into my mind and stay there taunting me over and over, willing me to give up on a positive experience because somewhere in the back of mind I still think I'm not good enough. 

It takes all you inner strength to overcome those feelings of doubt, to be aware that you are in fact a strong person living in a world not built for you and that struggle is not in fact because you are not good enough, but because you can not be moulded to be 'perfect' for this world and that difference is not a negative but rather a positive. 

I always try to focus on that the fact that my autism is what makes me an unique individual, that it is a strength rather than a weakness and that in fact a little bit of a gift. 

 To be able to break down stigmas or preconceptions of what people perceive of what an autistic person should behave or be like. I'll say it over and over, we're all not like the typical autistic caricatures that are on Television in sitcoms and dramas and that we're all very unique in the way we present ourselves and more importantly express ourselves as our true self without that mask we hide behind to fit in. 

It's an exhausting task and create a lot of anxiety in a way as you don't want to come across as some kind of know it all in a way but apart of understanding and trusting yourself is knowing who you are as a person. Accepting your autism as apart of your identity is apart of this process and to be comfortable in your own mind and not letting it being your only identifying feature (although most people only see the label as a defining quality) and that there is a lot more to your personality than just the traits a medical professional has used to diagnose you on the Autistic Spectrum or not even understanding what Autism is at all and telling you that you're "To Normal to be Autistic" which is just a massive no no to say to someone with Autism. 

Self Esteem comes from belief in yourself, to have that confidence about yourself which is hard when you still don't know who you are as a person.

 It's took me really a decade of understanding my Autism means for me as a person, a lot of counselling and self analysis to get to the point where I can feel confident as a person but I still have days where it all falls into pieces (last week for example) and the doubt will creep up and whack me quite literally over the head and make me rethink every little thing and then the niggling annoying negative thoughts come in and it's safe to say I fall into what seems to be a manic episode of anxiety added with heightened sensory sensitivity.. I'm not a nice person to be around as I'm literally a mess who wants to curl up in my bed and not leave until it's all over and a certain urge to eat my body weight in junk food which I'll then obsess over because of course self esteem and depression will say I'm a big fatty. And also the failure complex comes into it's own if I can't do a simple task that i've done a million times but in that state I just can't do it and it's not for the will of trying I'm just stuck in this anxiety bubble.

Breaking that cycle is something that is difficult as I said in the intro and it comes from actually seeing those triggers before they manifest themselves and learning to deal with them when they arise. 

This really is apart of understanding when you start to feel those feelings of doubt or anxiety and what you are feeling is connected to a experience in the past that hasn't been explored or addressed. Also the fear of the unknown, a change in routine can be distressing to any autistic person and can become a trigger without you even realising it until you're right in the middle of it. It's being able to process (which is stressful enough as it's a lot of extra information to process) in your own time and creating the right strategies to be able to cope with these types of changes or facing new experiences or challenges in your life. 

My coping strategies are tailored to me as an individual and have been kind of an organic process and they are always great tools to have in my arsenal as I've always got them on hand. I write everything down when I feel like my mind is in overdrive. 

Getting all those jumbled up thoughts out of my head onto the page makes me feel like they have been dealt with and when I read them back because I do, it might not make any sense or I seem to be on a downer or a manic on the ceiling ramble but at the time it was a medium to get it out and let it go. It's also a good way to pin point what triggered the episode at that time and what I need to do to prevent a repeat of it happening again and learn from it in a way. 

As an internaliser who blames no one else but myself, I can reflect on the situation in a different prospective and see that it was just a little blip in what really was a stable period of time. It doesn't feel like a blip at the time more like the world crashing down around me and the thoughts are negative because of the self doubt or lack of confidence that I felt at the time. 

Being able to see that point where I know that I'm going to become more anxious can help stop the self doubt cycle. But when it's the constant waiting for replies from people via email or phone I get frustrated (another negative about being autistic) as the fear of rejection added with the past experiences of being rejected can become a trigger for destruction. A meltdown might happen and being insecure on whether I'm good enough.

People will tell you in a very to the point way that will be meant to be with love "not to be silly and that you are good enough" but with deep seated self doubt and self esteem issues that you don't let them know because A) Not their business and B) Well it's common sense not to as they'll see it as a weakness and there are individuals that will use that to get the upper hand over you and use it against you, so you paint that lovely beautiful smile on your face when really inside you want to scream and say thanks for the help, I'll just go home and sit up in bed worrying for the entire night rather than get the recommended 8 hours sleep or not to throw up in the ladies because i'm so consumed with anxiety that I will vomit in about three seconds. Whatever it is it's better to go and see a professional who is trained and understands what you are feeling and give you the tools to combat it when it arises. 

Giving yourself some good old TLC is a good way to combat the self doubt and give you the much needed confidence you need. 

It's a given that at times we all need to have some time to ourselves away from stresses that are from daily life. Giving yourself some TLC and love can give you a confidence booster, self esteem boost and also kick those endorphins in the bum to get them working.

Showing your mind that you do love yourself, giving yourself that time to decompress from everything can be all it takes to make you feel better whether it be going for a walk in the countryside, treating yourself to some quiet time or doing something that you enjoy but feel like you never have time to do it. Trying to see the positives in life rather being bogged down by the negative.

Being creative and doing something that makes you proud and pleasing yourself rather than someone else for a change - it's okay to put yourself first! 

It's okay to say:

  "When I get back home I'm going to run a bath, get a face mask and really good book and sit in the bath until I resemble a prune and allow myself to just relax." 

Giving yourself that time to decompress and relax in a safe environment can be the best thing that you can do for yourself that doesn't cost a fortune and in the process allows your mind to escape from itself for a while that makes any type of sense. Add in some relaxation music and add essential oils that you like (lavender is mine) and switch off. 

It's something that I've learn't I haven't done enough of and I let things pile up and become stuck in a negative cycle consumed by depression, self loathing, doubting myself and losing all the self esteem I've managed to build up it all suddenly falls like dominos so those little treats which include the odd cake or take away or doing something proactive like writing a blog post gives me that confidence. I even clean when I'm procrastinating with my favourite music blasting in my headphones and if vacuuming I do my best Freddie Mercury impression as it makes me laugh because although I look like an idiot doing it, it gives me some happiness and sometimes you have to be able to have a little giggle with yourself even if no one else understands your own personal in joke or thinks you look like an idiot - who cares what someone else thinks because you're having fun. 

 People with Aspergers (I hate typing that- it's like we're all clumped together in a very over crowded box on a shelf) do take things to heart and also when someone's opinion is negative we only focus on that rather than the all the positive comments that we might receive in the same day. It's like fuelling the already raging fire inside our head and although we try and ignore it and brush it off at the time as well as masking it can just be the nail in the coffin for our self esteem. 

This is where most of my self esteem issues come from as someone would point out something that I consider to be a fault or a really negative comment and then I'd keep it all locked in and then at home burst into tears or worse fall of the cliff and have a raging meltdown.  Everyone has their own opinion but I don't have to feel like that comment/opinion is directly aimed at me personally and just let it go over my head. In the long run it's the safest option to have as it doesn't lead to you putting yourself at risk. It's basically whatever, move on, end of as there is no point with some people as they think they're right and everyone else is wrong anyway so there is no point challenging them whether it's face to face or online because it's not them getting hurt it's actually you who is getting wound up and anxious over something that has nothing really to do with you. 

What I wanted you guys to take away from this is that you should believe in yourself not matter what and trust your instincts as they are usually right. Never let others put you down or make you feel like you're not good enough or that you have to compete to be recognised. 

You are already amazing, you're completely unique and although there is a whole community of people all over the world who have Autism, you are a unique individual with wonderful talents and abilities that cannot be taken away from you.

You were born differently abled (not Disabled) and that shouldn't even get in the way of what you want to do and yes the world isn't ready for autism, but guess what all of us getting on with a our daily lives and showing that autism is actually doing things in a different and individual way rather than the traditional way and breaking down stigmas in the process and you should be so proud of yourself for that.