#The Handbook: Learning to Love and Respect Yourself

Loving and respecting yourself is an important thing, it's something that you keep developing as you grow as a person but it is the foundations to who you are and helps you to understand who you are as a person inside and out! 

Being confident and comfortable with who you are mentally and physically resonates from within yourself and then outwards to others around you, this includes how you feel about being an Autistic person.  There is no such thing as 'perfect', the media and society want you to strive and aspire to be perfect but lets face it, if everyone was perfect then life would be ultimately boring! 

Being classed as not good enough has a negative effect on your mental health which then knocks onto your physical health and the way you perceive yourself is vitally important and it isn't for everyone else around you it's actually only for you and you alone. 

I know this from experience, from negative labels being placed on me because I didn't fit into a neat and tidy little box that someone could then file away or for want of a better phrase to be moulded and controlled for the rest of my life to being called cold, frigid and icy because I refused to have sex with someone. 

I'm not suggesting becoming a rebel here, but simply loving and respecting who you are as a person can help you in life, it's where confidence comes from, that inner strength and drive that you can still find in yourself even when you've been told you can't because you are different or you don't conform to the social norm or simply refuse to comply to someone's request that could put you in harms way or in a difficult situation. 

Respect and Love for yourself is actually protecting yourself from others that want to take advantage of you, which being Aspergers can make us more vulnerable to predatory or unwanted behaviour or attention. 

In this post I want to get across some of the important little methods that have made me a stronger woman, to explain that being yourself is actually the best thing in the world and never being ashamed of that down to the the fact that even being ashamed of your autism is a really negative thing and you shouldn't have to feel bad about something you can't control and that you were born with. 

Being autistic doesn't mean that you can't be whoever you want or aspire to be, you don't have to give up on a dream career or hope for a better life because someone has said you can't or you should not because you're Autistic and therefore should only do a limited amount of things in your life - you're then stuck with a label, this helps society recognise where your place is and that if you step out of that place or aspire to break the norm you are then a threat or abnormal. 

1) Aspergers is NOT a personality trait, it's apart of you but does not determine who you are as a person and neither should it be the only thing that others should only identify or judge you on!

Society is obsessed with labels, it's an NT(Neural-Typical) thing they love to stick a label on you and then put you into the correct box because it feels safe and easy to understand, the reality is that it isn't and personality traits are apart of this labelling obsession. 

If you go on any dating website or even apply for a job, there is always going to be a personality traits or personal qualities section to it, being Aspergers it's difficult to even know where to begin in where you fit into these labels because in all fairness, you are YOURSELF! 

Yes you have these traits that help identify and describe what you are like as a person but in all fairness you don't really recognise or even contemplate these labels because your too busy making sure you're not going to have a meltdown and look like you're trying successfully to fit into a world that isn't built for you!

Being confident is about acceptance, it's about accepting you are yourself on the inside and on the outside and no one but you can describe who you are as a person, despite the faults or negative things that people will put onto to you as a label whilst you interact with them. More importantly no one can dictate to you on how you live you life! 

This is something that is learnt the hard way, from constant battles internally to figure out what is actually wrong with you? Why people are not as accepting towards you or act differently around you for no other reason than you've just told them you have Aspergers? 

The answer is to not care what a person thinks about you.....

Who should care about what they think of you ... is YOU!!!! 

This is where self Love and Respect comes into it's own, it's the first step in the right direction and you don't need a book shelf full of self help books or a life coach to understand that! All you need to do is say I am who I am, and if someone doesn't like that then well they can go away. 

If someone has respect for who they are themselves then they can respect others without judging them based on a label or their actions. 

Even if you have to look in the mirror and say that you love and respect yourself everyday until the message sinks in, or but little post it notes on with positive messages then do it... because in the end those positive messages sink in and you begin to learn to accept and love who you are no matter what anyone or life throws at you! 

2) Don't let a person's negative or stereotypical opinions determine you as a person!

I covered this is in the introduction, opinions are formed form interaction with other humans, unfortunately what other people think of you can be negative rather than positive. Whether you let it effect you is another thing, in whole honestly I want to stop worrying about what other people think of me. 

It is not easy, but opinions are also formed from stereotypes, and unfortunately Aspergers and Autism has a negative stereotype attached to it that has a negative knock on effect into life, when applying for a job as as son as you declare that you have a disability employers already have written you off. 

From the teacher at school that said you'd end up to be nothing because they couldn't fit you into a perfect neat little box with a label, to the guy/girl who wanted to have sex with you but you said no and therefore were called Icy, Frigid and Cold because you didn't give them what they wanted. 

NEVER EVER let anyone dictate to you how you should be as a person!

Respecting and loving yourself is about understanding that you are you're own boss... you decide what happens to your body and what you want to do and think about your life … not someone else, not a religion and not your parents either (you can disappoint them sometimes but they should love you no matter what!)  … being independent and a free thinking person is a brilliant thing to be. 

You control your life, not someone else... you can be advised on what is the best option for you but you can act on that advice if you want to or not. 

3)Your Body, Your Rules 
This is an important thing to understand that your body, is yours.. not someone else's possession. You decide what you eat, what you drink and you also decide who gets to share your body with you.

I wanted to cover this before we talk about relationships as being Aspergers does make us vulnerable and a target to people who do not have the best intentions. 

Your body is the most beautiful and precious thing you own and therefore it should be protected and loved.
This comes in the form of body confidence, but also respecting the fact that your body is yours and treating yourself with the same unconditional love that you would give to someone else.

Never Ever allow someone to force themselves upon you for sex, this is something serious and no matter what their relationship to you whether they are a stranger you've just met or a person you've known for years... you're body is something that you are in control of and should never be violated or abused. Intimacy is something that should be reserved between two people who love and respect each other and themselves.... if it's forced or you feel uncomfortable with the advances then saying NO is the right thing to do whether you get negative comments and have the confidence to walk away!

This is the first thing that I found when stumbling into relationships, from a mental level if I hated and disrespected myself then how could anyone else love me and treat me with love and respect if I didn't feel that way about myself?
 Granted I was only a teenager(16 years old and newly diagnosed) at the time but when you have mental health issues such as depression or anxiety as well as Aspergers you spend most of your time worrying over the fact that you don't fit in at all, that you're not what someone wants as a companion or a girlfriend.. and with myself I found that therefore I didn't deserve to have a boyfriend to love me for who I was... because at the end of the day I didn't know who I was on the inside.

So I stayed clear of advances from boys because in all honesty I needed to figure out myself before I could emotionally give anyone the same kind of love that they would give me in a relationship and that is something that you have to come to terms with, that you need to have a positive relationship with yourself mentally and physically.

Having that confidence and acceptance within yourself to say that you are who you are and although you have Aspergers, it is only just apart of you and being honest with yourself that even though you have something that no one really understands or has a preconception of Autism, that you still deserve to experience love from another person and to live your life with someone you really want to share that with.



4) Body Confidence

 This is a massive issue whether you have Aspergers or not, most women can tell you a list of things they want to change about themselves externally because they think it'll make them feel better.

In truth, you're uniquely beautiful in your own right and despite the fact that you might carry extra weight, your boobs aren't big enough and you can not compete with models and celebrities you see in the magazines or on TV and therefore you'll never be perfect.

I'll let you into a little secret.... most celebs are PHOTOSHOPPED! No one looks that good in reality. The media have little tricks to make you believe the most easiest lie in the book.

Everyone has wobbly bits, fat in the wrong places, spots that you can't get rid of and millions of other cosmetic problems that we all worry about on a daily basis. And all the diets and fitness regimes that are sold to us on a daily basis will not help your self esteem, in the end it is about turning a negative perception of yourself and turning it into a positive.

If someone truly loved you they wouldn't care that you carried a little bit extra weight or the fact that you have a little bump on your nose, instead of being negative about it, they'd love or admire that part of you because it's apart of your charm.

Being a women is difficult in a world that is obsessed with image and what I believe sometimes to be manufactured beauty.

I actually don't care what people think about me when my hair is shoved up in a bun on top of my head, no make up on or panda eyes because I've worn make up the day before, or the fact I'm comfy and in my sweats at the end of the day I'm comfortable in my own skin.

Being comfortable in your own skin is about being comfortable with yourself from within, people are attracted to others not based really on the way they look but rather whats on the inside, although some scientists will argue otherwise but really in truth a guy or girl will be attracted to you because you're fun to be with or you have the same interests, whatever the reason it should not be just based on what you look like externally or being an accessary on someone's arm.

People find others attractive if they are comfortable with themselves and don't really care what others think, mine comes from sheer laziness at times because I can not be bothered to put make up on everyday because I simply sometimes don't have time or I want an extra 5 minutes in bed... I don't honestly care but I smile at people and make sure that I'm happy on the inside rather than how I look to others on the outside.

If someone does that then I would get rid of them immediately... being in a relationship based on Lust is not a relationship and you shouldn't feel like you should change your appearance to suit what your partner wants you to be.

5) Treating your Body Right.

Eating well and exercising correctly is something that we are all told to do, but treating your body right is something that comes with treating it with the respect that it needs, it's not about abusing it to obtain a look that will be socially acceptable it's about maintaining it.

Loving yourself also means giving yourself a little pamper every now and then and you don't need to go to a spa to get some well deserved me time. 

Getting your favourite bubble bath or bath bomb that smells amazing and running a really lovely warm bath that will sooth aching muscles and relax your mind and then letting yourself soak in there for a while with some music on and maybe candles on and let the world go by without you thinking about anything is giving yourself some me time without being made to feel guilty without it.

Afterwards moisturising and making your skin silky smooth is another way or just letting your body know that you love it, treating yourself with some sort of respect is looking after yourself mentally and physically and treating yourself to whatever you think your body needs, the same goes for food.

I comfort eat regularly, it doesn't matter what the circumstances are or what triggered the comfort eating to take place but whenever you want a full fat coke or a 12inch pizza with stuffed crust from the local takeaway then don't feel guilty about it, instead of making it out to be a negative reaction except that you're eating what you want and that you accept the consequences of that, like putting on weight or in my case crippling pain (I'm allergic Lactose and Wheat/Gluten - so my body will make me pay) but I accept that I'm going to feel really icky and ill but enjoy eating whatever at the time.

Our relationship with food is something that should be a positive experience and should not feel like we are punishing ourselves for eating what we want, having a balanced diet and allowing yourself to have treats is a healthy way of looking after yourself and loving the body that you were born with.

Before you even start to enter into a relationship with another person you need to have a positive relationship with yourself first. 

It's something that will then lead to healthier relationships not just with a love interest but also with family and friends. Loving who you are is acceptance that you are unique and are beautiful in your own right! 

This does take time and does happen more as you grow older and mature but in the end what isn't there to love about yourself? 

Whether Aspergers or not, you are amazing just the way you are, despite whatever faults you perceive to have and never let anyone tell you any different. People who put others down usually don't like themselves. 

Being confident and respecting yourself is about knowing who you are and being honest with yourself no matter what and allowing yourself to accept love from others because you deserve that love.