The Confidence Issue

As someone with Autism, Confidence can seem something that is non existent in our lives. 

But when does the confidence issues become more than just an issue with image or appearance and begins to dictate your life? 

I have thought about this a lot, and the more I think about confidence the more I realise that although Confidence comes from within ourselves (like it should do I might add) the more I seem to look at myself and think why do I feel like I do and is it to do with the fact that I am lacking in confidence? 

Since I was a teenager (this is the stage where confidence is either there or not) I have always struggled with confidence. It started with a negative body image and it has took me to my age now to finally except myself and think that I am beautiful just the way I am.

"If my 15 year old self could see me and how I except myself, she would try to pick out some type of flaw and now she would only find the scars from an operation and the scars she gave herself."

 But what she would see is that fact that I have covered some areas of my body with ink, it took me to get tattooed and have the confidence to get tattooed to realise this was me and begin that acceptance process of myself. 

I also had to analyse why my body issues exist? Why do I feel like I am fat and ugly? 

In the media, people blame celebrity culture, magazines that promote skinny framed girls who are then considered beautiful. They mock people who are a normal size and shape, and make teenage girls consider plastic surgery to obtain that look. 

If you could see what these magazines do to create that image you'd literally want to smack yourself on the back of the head for being so stupid. It's a little programme by adobe called Photoshop!!! 

Airbrushing and giving yourself a natural nip and tuck with the aid of a computer or even a phone app seems perfectly normal but why do we feel like we have to do that? 

Celebrities don't always look perfect, they sometimes look tired and sometimes feel as rubbish as we do!!! They also have the help of things like photoshop, expert make-up artists and even nutritionalists to help them keep them looking so radiant and beautiful!  

But beauty comes from within and i've told myself that from a young age. Beauty isn't to do with the way you look it's down to the actions you take in life and how you treat yourself and others that gives you beauty. 

 Confidence can be more difficult to obtain as you grow older! 

When you're a kid, you don't really know if you are confident or not? You just do stuff because you want to do it! 

By the age of eleven or twelve, you get this beaten out of you! The free spirit in yourself if beaten out of you forever!!!! Because now you need to be more like an adult, and with being an adult comes this sense of insecurity about yourself. 

When you express any sort of confidence you are labelled:

"Cocky" 

So you begin to stop just going for it, instead of believing in yourself and exploring yourself, it seems the only acceptable way to be is to be like everyone else whilst you are trying to grow and find yourself as a person. 

I don't know if this is just a British thing? 

Is this a global problem where when children get to the most difficult age in their life, where they develop into adults that they are suppressed and told not to believe in their own abilities and just do what they are told instead? 

In truth it's hard to know whether believing in yourself can be defined as confidence? 

Is confidence just a label that society uses to define self worth or the ultimate belief in yourself? 

Self esteem is a massive issue for me, it is like a cycle that can end with me crying on my bedroom floor reverting back to the 15 year old that wanted to die because she felt like a burden and that she wasn't good enough to be here in this world. 

This burden issue and the self esteem issue started back in High School.. the point above will now make sense. 

I was undiagnosed Aspergers, I didn't know who I was and struggled with every part of my high school life. I found that it was difficult to deal with the sensory processing of that social setting, the amount of bodies that crowded the corridors to the point where I felt like I was going to suffocate if I stayed in the crush, even the scents of the different bodies made me feel overwhelmed. 

The noise was an issue, the bell used to make me jump of out my skin, physically hurt my ears and then there were teachers shouting and screaming for most of the day at defiant students who didn't want to be there. 

"Although their behaviour used to upset me I always admired that defiance, that strength from within to say I'm not happy with what you are saying or doing. I wish I had that freedom to express my own defiance and my own anger and upset when I was at school."

Because I knew that I was different at school and I had problems that weren't recognised and dealt with I was a target to be bullied and also to be mocked and ridiculed if I tried to do something for myself or even reach down to the bottom of myself to get what little self esteem and confidence left to do something I really wanted to do. 

This might be entering a talent competition and sing or want to audition for the school play, but after being beaten down and told there isn't any point you doing this because you're not good enough and never will be. 

I also found that teachers would in fact put their own self esteem issues onto us as students, you all know the story about the maths teacher who told us we were worthless. 

"I still to this day cannot get that image out of my head, of a grown adult telling me I was worthless and actually feeling like he'd seen inside and saw what I actually felt. My masking days at school where over and I didn't go back!"

To this day I still have those negative thoughts that run round in my head, although now I know that I wasn't the target of the aggression or the fact that most of the staff at my school felt as low and were in fact as ill as me. 

Their actions have had a lasting negative impact on my life. My self esteem is still in bits, I have no confidence or belief in myself and although I have come a long way I still see those faces and hear those words that they said to me as a child. 

I have found that confidence is a belief system in yourself, it is built into you and it's up to you to use it. 

Confidence is not something that is earnt from material worth or by what your social stature is, it's all to do with you believing in who you are, what you stand for and whether or not you feel good enough to do what you want to do. 

I have found that I talk myself out of opportunities and revert back to the I am not good enough to do this although I really want to do it. I'm always consciously thinking about what other people are going to say or think rather than thinking about what this will do for me. 

I struggle with this up hill battle everyday and I know I'm not alone. I know that lots of people whether autistic or not have issues to do with their confidence and whether or not they could do something if they only believed in themselves. 

I'll let you into a little secret when I am writing this blog I get anxious over the fact that I don't have the confidence in what I am writing and wonder if I'm actually being helpful, but it is so important to me to actually write this blog that I do it anyway in spite of the little voice in my head telling me you can't do it! 

The next thing I would love to do is Vlog, I know I have promised this in the past and never got round to doing it as I make up the excuse of I haven't got the perfect spot to do it or there is too much noise but in reality it is because I don't like myself on camera. I prefer being behind a microphone because no one can see you! And then I hate editing myself and seeing what I look like on camera. 

It's taken me to watch different vloggers online to talk myself into it and I know I will get a good response if I actually do vlog as there is an market to do that and I can help more Aspergers girls in the process! 

What I will say to you is that although you feel like you can't do it or you just don't want to even do something that you have always dreamed of is what is the point in living if you can't live?

Don't let the little niggling voice of irrational fear get in your way, whatever you want to do you can do it without thinking about other people. 

If you want to do something, just do it! Don't think well people might think I'm crazy or insane for doing that! 

If you want to do something productive with you're life instead of watching the world go round then go out there and find the right avenue for you to achieve your goal. Although there will be some obstacles, if you really want to achieve your goal you'll overcome them whether they nearly break your spirit or not. 

Don't let other people get in your way, those people are either jealous of you or have no confidence in themselves. 

So the next time you say: 

"Oh I wish I could do that." 

Don't wish that you could, make it happen. Dream it, live it , breathe it and ultimately belief in yourself as a person!