#Survival Guide Special : Dealing with Anxiety and Grief

Anxiety is normal when it comes to daily life living with Aspergers, but when you add in other factors in life your anxiety level can rise without you even realising it. 

Usually anxiety can be managed with simple techniques/strategies that you have already put in place. But when life throws you a situation that you have never dealt with before and add in emotional factors how do you cope? 

This is what I am facing right now, dealing with a death in the family and the emotional fall out of it all whilst trying to keep my anxiety and more importantly my Aspergers under control at the same time not to mention dealing with the family aspect of it all which can cause some difficulties. 

To an outsider it might seem selfish to just focus on just your emotions or how you feel and cope with this difficult time but as a Aspergers person it's a fine balance between having a break down and causing more anxiety and stress to those closest to us or dealing with it in the right way. 

The problem is however how do you deal with something like Grief in a Aspergers Way?

There are seven stages to grief or so they say and each stage is different to the next and can produce some strange reactions to someone with Aspergers. 

Most anxiety if not our anxiety is usually triggered by everyday things that seem little to everyone else for example a over crowded shopping centre or what happened to me the other day where someone was to close to me in a queue and decided to cough on my neck!!!! 

These might seem like little things that can be simply combatted but to an Aspergers person it can trigger a number of anxiety responses that set into motion the first signs of a panic attack without even realising it is happening. 

Grief is something completely different and everyone deals with it in a different way. 

The first thing I'll say there is no set rules on how to deal with grief, you can skip stages and go directly to one or the other. It has to do with the relationship with the person that has just died. If you are not that close you might not feel as strongly as you would do if they were a person who were really close to you. 

As someone with Aspergers and having gone through the recent loss of losing a loved one... and dealing with family members and also people's expectations of you dealing with this grief can be difficult you have to be strong and more calm than you would be normally. 

I've found that keeping your routine is important as it keeps some sort of normality to what can feel like a huge upheaval in your life at that exact moment. 

Routines are something that we use everyday, and although we don't mean to create and stick to routines it seems natural to keep everything we do in a neat and precise order. If the sequence of the routine is interrupted without us willingly changing the order it can feel like your world is being turned upside. 

The fear of losing what little control we have can seem like a devastating blow or a malicious act by other people to intentionally screw us over or to provoke a negative reaction. 

I always listen to my Aspergers inbuilt warning system because usually on some level it is right. Ignoring what is happening around you and focusing on keeping everything stable can actually help others around you as normality is something stable and it can be a comfort instead of you allowing yourself to lose control of yourself. 

When my loved one died, my routine stayed the same as I didn't want to be involved in the whole process of watching them die as it took a few weeks for it to happen. I however did get to say goodbye before they passed away and I am so pleased I did get to as I didn't go to the funeral as it would've been to sressful for me to cope with and also dealing with other issues to do with my family. 

I do have issues of abandonment and being a outcast when it comes to my family. 

 I don't find comfort or solace in churches or crematoriums as I'm not really religious and I do find them to be cold, desolate places so instead we decided to release balloons in the hills where we live. It was beautiful and it meant more to me than seeing his body turned to ash in a furness.

I also wrote a letter to that loved one to say all the things I couldn't vocalise all the things I could never vocalise when they were alive and said everything I needed to say in that letter. It was placed in their jacket pocket before the cremation. 

I said goodbye in the only way I knew I could and that is something I recommend everyone to do. If you can't say goodbye or you don't know what to say it's better to creatively do it in your own way. 

I don't recommend bottling up emotions however as it can lead to a sticky nasty hot mess when you really don't need it! 

If you are struggling then you need to make sure your own strategies are in place and just to adapt them to the situation. Anxiety can hit you in waves, you'll feel normal and perfectly happy and content and all of a sudden it will just smack you in the face. 

It can be a song, a advert about Funeral Plans or even a smell that can provoke a memory that can set off a deep seated emotion like Anger or Anxiety. 

When this happens there is nothing really you can do apart from ride the wave and try to make it to the other side. Dwelling on the emotion isn't the best thing to do. Using all the strategies or even changing the channel can be the best thing to do and find something to cheer yourself up.

Letting emotions out safely and doing it in your own way can be the best thing to do, I am a scribbling mess and write whatever needs to come out and journalling my thoughts and ideas can be the best thing to do to clear my head and notebooks/journals are always around just in case and plenty of pens!

Also my trusty iPod is always on standby with different songs in playlists to make sure whatever mood I'm in I always have something to compliment it. I've always got a happy song that instantly makes me smile and laugh and has a memory attached to it.

The thing with music is that is an emotional thing and everyone has that one song that links to a memory. I had this the other day when I was singing and had to stop because a panic attack hit me. The song is by a band that I used to listen to constantly when really ill and I studied the lead singers singing technique and found myself sobbing in public!!!!! 

"One minute I was confident and happy and the next I was crying and I could not hold it in. I was embarrassed and felt stupid afterwards  but I couldn't settle and the anxiety kept hitting me."

At the moment it is a case of seeing how everyday goes, it has also effected the way I write as I keep getting terrible writers block and it does effect people's everyday lives. As someone with Aspergers our lives are difficult at the best of times but throwing in other stress factors such as Grief and not wanting to be involved in family conflicts or issues that come after death can be hard as not only do you have to focus on keeping yourself together emotionally (which is difficult at the best of times when you're Aspergers!) but also now have to deal with a great loss and sometimes a void that is left by a loved one passing away. 

"Not everyone shows how they are feeling and masking is the most comfortble form of defence when in a social situation... you can come across as cold but really you are feeling underneath but don't want to show these emotions." 

Sometimes it is a case of finding a outlet to express your emotions, creatively and restoring some form of normality although this will not happen over night. To focus on yourself is something that is difficult to do or explain to others. 

Anxiety and Grief are linked together and staying in that rut for a long period of time can also be detrimental to how you cope in the long term. 


I always say go and speak to a professionally trained Aspergers/ Austistic Councillor!

I know that it seems like I say it over and over again but when something like this happens to you which it will at some point in your life, you might need to talk to someone who is impartial and has no ties to the family or the events going on around you. 

They will listen objectively and give you solutions and strategies that will in the long run help you to be able to deal with and even combat the anxiety. You don't need to show them you're journals but maybe if you have visually drawn something to explain how you feel then that might be something worth taking to show them. 

I have had gret experiences with councillor who have given me the courage to do things that I never thought I would be able to do!!! also they have put some perspective to a problem or some form of grievence in easy managable steps. 

Timelines, Schedules and Lists are all my favourite things that have been suggested to me over the years. 

Grief is a natural process and life does get better. There is an excuse to eat a lot of bad junk food in a short term period but in the end you need to continue living your life to the fullest. 

The person who has died has lived their life the way they wanted to live it and no one has stopped them from the decisions they made when they were alive, but why should their death hold you back in your life? 

Life is meant to be lived with or without the loved one who has left you to go to a better place <insert what you like here> and no longer in pain or suffering. 

It will get better I promise and you will live your own life and make your own choices and decisions that you want to make.

But you can't let the past dictate your future... as your future is only yours to write!!! 

On that note I will wrap this up... next week something a little more brighter and happier... I'm sorry for the late post!