Saying goodbye to a loved one and dealing with Grief in an Aspergers Way
It's the hardest thing to ever have to do in your life. To say goodbye to someone who you love and accept the fact that they are going to die.
But with Aspergers, what is the right way for you to deal emotionally and physically with your grief and safely coming to accept that someone is dying or has died.
There is no right way to do this, everyone grieves in different ways.
Some people calmly accept this fact and process it before moving on past it, others grieve in a destructive manner and some never stop grieving.
Depending on your relationship with the person who is terminally ill or dying in any circumstance can make you feel like you have lost a part of your heart, like it's been ripped from your chest.
Grief is a powerful emotion that changes you as a person and with autism is there any way to really understand the emotions you are feeling let alone describing them to others.
There is also the people around you, family and friends who often try and make it seem less real or even try to soften the blow as they are afraid of your reactions.
Trying to gage a reaction can be a difficult thing and knowing how to correctly comfort them and support them can be a difficult task for an Autistic person especially if the person you are trying to comfort is a person who is close to you like a family member or a close friend.
I have done this before for different friends, who have been through horrible and somewhat traumatic experiences with love ones passing away and it can seem to be awkward and difficult for you to actually understand and process the raw emotions that seem to be coursing through them.
When it's your family members however there is some form of duty to be there for each other whether or not you have a close relationship with them at the best of times.
I have never really experienced that side of things as when I first experienced this type of situation I was 11 years old and deeply upset me. As a 23 year old now it is hard to actually pin point what I actually felt as those feelings have been dealt with and no longer carried around with me.
I do realise that I went into a deep depression afterwards but this was due down to the experiences before the family member died. I wasn't really close to my granddad (I don't really want to reveal names as I want to keep it private) as a child, due to the lifestyle that he lead and also the knowledge that it all stemmed from a deep, imbedded form of grief.
I first came back in contact with my granddad at 9 years old and began to help care for a sick man that was dying from his addiction. I always saw him as I wanted to, an happy person... always pleased to see me and happy to be in my company.
I was his little princess and that was I always remember about him. He wasn't a mean man, he was the opposite and in some ways I treasured the two years I had with him despite the horrid and cruel way he suffered before he died.
I used to help look after him, keep him company when food shopping and was subjected to watch fishing with him on a saturday morning when I really wanted to watch Top Of The Pops Saturday or another kids show because my favourite band where on that show.
I know now that was selfish of me, but I was just a child at the time.
It all became to difficult around my last year in primary school, my world was turned upside down, suddenly my dad was at war and I was made to stay with a different relative on the weekends. It seemed horrible to know that he was on his own and I couldn't be there to help him or spend some more precious time with him. But he was growing worse and then hospitalised.
He wouldn't have recognised me anyway and would call me by my grandmothers name, it was like I was someone completely different or he would search and call out his younger sons names and watch me shake my head whilst trying not to cry.
I wasn't there when he died, but I remember that day so clearly.
I'd had the best day ever at primary school although it was leading up to my examinations at the end of the year that would determine what classes I would be in at Secondary School (at this point in time I was excited to start Secondary School- again I was a child) but we'd had a day where it was a fun day. So no formal classes and more activities and games that every kid loves to do.
I'd come home in a really good mood and then the phone rang and something registered in me thinking something was wrong.
I didn't know what it was but you get this feeling deep inside you which sort of begins to protect you from the news that is about to come and you know you're not going to like it but at the same time you need to hear it!
It was awful to say the least because that perfect day just shattered into a million pieces and I felt myself falling into this grief faster than anything and it became depression very quickly. I don't know if it was the other factors with my dad being away and being a frightened child for him as he was in a war zone and communication was difficult and I couldn't call or even write a letter without someone else listening in but all those factors put together I just wanted to fall to the floor and ball my eyes out.
I think I cried myself to sleep on and off for several years after that, I couldn't listen to certain songs, I couldn't do certain things and I certainly couldn't get over the fact that someone that I had the chance to have a relationship with had left me.
The feeling of abandonment is very strong and I sometimes feel it now and again so watching films where a character is orphaned or made to leave their parents or have their parents taken away from them makes me sob. The Lion King in particular always makes me cry.
One of the most important things that I realised once I dealt with this was that I never got to say a proper goodbye. I never got to say anything final or even go to the funeral as it was a rushed thing and also I was considered too young despite my maturity at that age.
My Maturity is one of the key factors with my autism and also I resented the fact that I wasn't treated with the understanding of that fact that I was a mature person at that age.
I was treated like a child and that fuelled the anger and frustrated me but I now understand that it was for my protection and to soften any blow that I might have felt.
How do you deal with what is happening, death is such a final thing and there is no going back and we hope and wish that people can be brought back from the dead.
As I write this, I am facing the same situation that I did when I was 11 years old, only this time I am an adult rather than a child and fortunate enough to have a more clear understanding of my Aspergers and how to deal with something as final and heartbreaking as death.
I have planned this post since Easter this year, and knowing that I have to write it and let some of the anxiety and maybe even some grief even before the event of death has occured makes me feel slightly better about the whole process and letting out some of the stress of the whole thing.
If you are dealing with this or have just lost a loved one.. I am sorry for your loss.
I have written some tips about how to deal with the whole process so here goes:
1)Talk to someone who is impartial.
I know I keep going on about seeing a councillor but serious a Aspergers/Autism trained councillor can see things and understand the way your mind process information and how you experience and also verballise and interperate emotions. They can suggest coping strategies and even allow you to openly grieve without worrying that you are going to hurt someone elses feelings.
2)Don't allow yourself to overthink or analyse the situation- Basically don't become obsessed.
Strange thing to say to a person that over thinks and analyses every situation before they then process it and deal with it I know but bare with me.
It might be a good thing to read up about whatever your loved one is suffering with from a medical point of view to see what is happening to the body and understand how it will effect your loved one as this progresses. This does not mean though that you should become obessive over the nature or the progression of the illness or condition. I know that is cruel and mean of me to say that but in the long term the more you think about it the more horrifying it becomes as you begin to see and understand how much pain your loved one is going through and this will upset you further. When remembering a loved one, you want positive memories rather than negative.
3)Coping with family issues that might arise.
Depending on your relationship with your family whether it be good or bad it can lead to confrontation that you don't need to be apart of. This might be already dividing assests or thinking about and before the loved one has indeed died they have already begun planning their funeral. To this family member it might seem like commmon sense for the inevitble outcome... but to others it might seem insenitive and upsetting.
If you don't want to be involved then always have your MP3 player with you to block out any conversations that you may not want to overhear ... or if you are at home just leave the room and find somewhere safe .. like your bedroom and distract yourself.
4) Expressing Anxiety and Frustration safely and Privately.
So if it is all becoming to much to handle and you feel like you can't process anymore then it's time to do something positive that will distract you from whatever emotion you might be feeling. I know that verballising what you are feeling might be a problem as registering emotions - especially complex ones can be difficult.
If you are visiting your loved one in hospital and you need some time out, I'd ask if you can sit in the visitors room with your MP3 or a book and just relax and enjoy having some space for yourself. If not go and get a drink from the shops or a vending machine and take your time.
I wouldn't go spilling your heart out online though as people are not as sympathetic and there are awful people in this world. What is happening is a private matter not a public on and if you don't feel like telling anyone then you don't have to.
If you really need to write anything down then I'd write it in a journal or express it through something like a drawing or whatever you want to really so long as it is safe!!
5) It's ok to Cry.
It's perfectly natural to cry and let unwanted emotions out and also to aid healing. It is scientifically proven that crying releases Endorphins (Happy Hormones) into the brain just like physical exercise (I feel like a QI elf) so having good cry is actually good for your mental health. Yes you will feel bunged up and your eyes maybe puffy and red but at least you have let it out. You don't have to be strong or brave if you don't want to be. No one should expect that from you just because you are Aspergers that just because you don't want to show that emotion around other people doesn't mean you can't feel it or let it out.
I also recommend Tissues and lots and lots of Cake and Chocolate on standby!!!
6) Dealing with other people's emotions:
Whether it's another family member or a close friend, I know it can be difficult or even awkward at times to comfort or even just understand that they are processing the same emotions that you are feeling on some level. All people are different and they all experience and deal with grief in a different way. If you are struggling to deal with the way they are grieving don't feel like a heartless monster, it's natural for us to feel awkward and not want to involve physical contact. Just be there for them and listen or let them know that you do indeed care for them.
(I'll post the link from the National Autistic Society below for more information)
I have never been to a funeral before so I don't actually know what to write about it. So this tip is kind of something that I have experienced at later stage in my teenage years where a not so close realtive died.
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE FUNERAL FOR EMOTIONAL REASONS IT IS OK!!!
But it has to be YOUR DECISION! Not someone elses. Don't let yourself be bullied into going or not going because someone says you should. There are many ways that you can say goodbye that is personal to you and if you want to share saying goodbye with others that is fine but if you don't want to face it for whatever reason but want to say goodbye at a later date then you can do - it's your choice.
Also I'm not sure whether it's ok to leave a funeral if it's all getting to much to cope with? I don't know if that would seem disrespectful to the departed and to the other family members and friends who are grieving.
For more information on dealing with Grief go to:
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