#Survival Guide : Bullying
Bullying can be traumatic for any victim. But if it is you that is the victim the world can seem a lonely and dark place.
Bullying for whatever reason is not acceptable and having been bullied first hand during high school I know how isolating and lonely the world can really seem.
Being bullied for whatever reason can destroy any self confidence you might have and can lead to serious knock effects in your life such as depression and even self harm.
Whether it's because you don't wear the right clothes or even down to the way you look (I had this for a long time) bullies seem to be able to pick you out for no reason other than you are different.
The old saying with Bullies is just to ignore them, but in a age where technology is king and we all live on social networks this isn't the simple answer.
Knowing everyday you have to go to a place where not only do you have to deal with the anxieties and pressures of school and the work involved.
You also now have to openly deal with the social pressures and this can be all to much and knowing that you don't fit into the social system of school which can be worse than the actual physical and mental effects school has on autistic people.
I've found that no matter what you might do to avoid the bullies they always seem to find you. And I know this might sound silly or even sexist but as a girl being bullied by girls was worse than if a male class mate was bullying me.
For whatever reason you are being targeted for, ignoring the bullies will not make it stop but it is better than retaliating and giving them the attention that they crave.
From my perspective now as a young adult, I don't have any hurtful feelings towards the people that verbally bullied me on a daily basis. I also wonder why they sort me out and I think my autism to them was a sign of weakness or ignorance due to lack of education in autism.
My first major tip would be not to bottle your emotions up!
When in the situation we all cope differently and bottling your emotions is the first survival and protection instinct we have as Aspergers girls.
In the moment not to cry or show emotion might seem the safest option but there is a fine line between bottling in the short term and in the long term!
What i'm trying to explain is that it might seem the right thing to do at the time and hopefully if you don't show any emotion to the bullies they'll leave you alone. In the short term and with the right releasing strategies like writing all your feelings into a journal or letting all that anger out in a Drama lesson can make sure that your mental health stays on track.
The problems arise when you don't let the emotions out and in the long term this can have knock on effects with your mental and physical health!
I write everything I'm thinking and feeling in my journal. It helps me to release all the emotions that I have and analyse the situations that have occurred during the day.
Looking back at when I was a teenager, I can't begin to think about what I was planning to do as I processed and believed everything my bullies said to me. Here is my story:
"When I was in High School, I did not let all those feelings out and I went into a dark and lonely place where I began to obsess in a negative way about who I was as a person and whether I wanted to live.
Because I was different to the other girls who in my opinion at the time seem to have it all. They were skinny and could eat fast food without putting any weight on or they would get what seemed to be the perfect boyfriend and here I was the fat, frumpy and ugly girl.
In my first year, I was the only girl who was having periods and also had boobs and looking back I know the other girls were jealous so they called me fat and ugly.
What they didn't realise was the effect it had on my body confidence and self image. I was dealing with the stress of school and grieving for my loved one that had died and my dad was in Iraq with the army and again that was more reason to bully me.
I didn't start self harming until half way through my first year of high school. My first self harming incident was when I slit my wrist quite deeply and was nearly sent to hospital as a result. That looking back was the first time I tried to kill myself.
I didn't stop cutting though and enjoyed the feeling of harming and the release it gave me. I was more clever about the way I harmed. Cutting myself in unseen places on my body and in the end trying to cut my fat off me! When cutting stopped the release I turned to binge eating/starving myself and regular beating myself. This was round the time I left school."
As an adult now living with the scars of my past, knowing that I harmed over and over makes me feel sick. I feel some anger towards myself for allowing some girl to control my life to the point where I would physically harm myself.
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| I was the female version of the Hulk! |
I also became violent at home, having uncontrollable outburst where I would just destroy anything in sight. I've broken three doors and once ripped it off it's hinges. I went through the destructive cycle of bottling, harming and uncontrollable release.
This pattern of behaviour didn't stop until my late teens, although it became less frequent I would still have anger burning inside me and not knowing which way to turn I then would just lose myself.
Knowing that my uncontrollable behaviour came from being bullied it still angers me but now I rationalise with myself and know I was younger and in a deep state of depression.
How to deal with the bullies and stopping it before it escalates:
Schools do have a zero tolerance policy towards Bullying. Whether they apply that is another thing altogether! Always make sure you tell someone.There are charities and help lines to take your calls but if you are being bullied and have a good relationship with your parents it's time to tell them!
Here are my top tips:
1. If you feel confident tell your parents:Go to the parent you feel most comfortable with and sit them down and tell them what has been going on. I would go up to your parent and say:
"I want to tell you something and it's really difficult but I trust you."
It's ok to break down as you are letting emotions out and also the relief of actually sharing what has been happening to you. If you have been bullied physically show your parents any bruises that you might have on your body. They might be shocked but being beaten up is not right.
2. Note down all the incidents:
It might be in journal or even on a scrap piece of paper on the bus, but making sure you keep all evidence of the bullying can help your parents when they go into school. I will explain more about cyber bullying under these tips!
3. If you are confident enough , record the incidents on your phone:
Like I have advised before, if you feel confident enough, record all the bullying on your phone via the voice memo app. It'll help you if you can't physically tell your parents and also can prove to the school of whats been going on.
Social Media is a different beast altogether and more and more frequently, teenagers are using the platform to bully others.
It can feel more threatening to have someone bullying you online. Especially if you don't know who they are in real life.
No matter what the bullying is, deleting the message/tweet or even your account will not let it go away.
Knowing how to deal with online bullying can be difficult for both the victim and their parents.
When I was younger, I didn't have access to Facebook or Twitter as it wasn't invented.
All we had where MySpace, MSN and phones. Text message bullying was rife.
If the bully were once your friend he/she would still have your number and your MSN Email before you knew it the hate messages would flood in to both your inboxes.
Now it seems to become more personal with more and more social media sites with comments and tweets being directly posted to your wall and with no policing it can seem hard to deal with and it comes to the point where hitting the delete button or the block button becomes the only solution.
Everyone has access to social media, it's on our phones and on our computers. And what seems to be an innocent incident in the playground at break can blow up into a full on war online.
In a recent report, teenagers have openly admitted that at some point they have bullied someone online.
This is cause for concern as it seems in the online world, people think that they are someone else and whether it be on twitter, tumblr or Facebook writing nasty comments because friends have can seem to be acceptable as in the online world there are no consequences for their actions.
My tips for social media bullying are simple:
1. Before you hit the delete button screen shot or grab the message.
Saving the message can be the first step in stopping the bully. Keeping the evidence of what has been said and then showing it to someone you trust like a parent can be the key to breaking the vicious cycle. In this case anything you save can then be shown to the police.
2. Report it to the actual social media site.
On Facebook, Tumblr and Twitter, you can report the user to them and they will actively ban their account and block them from accessing your account more importantly.
3. Be openly aware of what you put up online.
Watch what you put on your status or even what you write in a tweet as well posting pictures online. Also beware of what you send to people like pictures that may be innocent at the time but can be used against you later.
I have written a blog post on being safe online and venting online.
I hope this blog post has helped and put your mind at rest about dealing with bullies!
There are other places you can go for more information on any of the issues discussed:
NSPCC:
www.nspcc.org.uk
Mind:
www.mind.org.uk
National Autistic Society:
www.autism.org.uk
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