#Handbook - Knowing Me, Knowing You

Following on from my last post about personality and Aspergers, the thought about knowing yourself and knowing your partner and how you both work in a relationship is difficult for most normal people.

 But as questioned before with Aspergers do we really know or understand our personalities or how in a social situation and even in a relationship - if the Aspergers is the dominant factor?

It seems that in a relationship as I can only gather from very few experiences that understanding each others personalities and how you interlink or connect with each other is one of the key factors as well as the obvious biological factors such as being attracted to one another.

Knowing each other as well as yourself is something that can aid a healthy relationship. 

Any 'Agony Aunt' Column can give you that information and even tips on how to obtain and sustain a healthy and happy relationship which  can be found in many magazines and online. 

With Aspergers though do we have to either close off our natural behaviour or tone it down for our partners or does the partner have to react differently around us? 

This is something that I have learnt in a past relationship. 

I know that how I was back then as a teenager rather than an adult  and how my behaviour and lack of understanding for myself and his needs in the end effected the way our relationship developed and even how it ended. In the guys defence he was understanding and caring and overall patient with me and we had a great but yet dysfunctional relationship rather than a healthy one. 

The first thing to really understand about  being in a relationship is that it isn't all about you anymore and the way Aspergers works is that we constantly have to focus on our own needs and what we need to keep it in control and our mental health in control that when we factor in another human being - this goes for parents and friends as well as Partners it can seem or look like we don't care or have not thought about them. 

This is horrible for both parties and arguments can arise over the way we behave towards our partners and although we love them and care for them - we don't invest in them enough because we are so invested in maintaining ourselves. 

So how does someone with Aspergers have a relationship? 

I haven't got that answer as I have avoided being in a relationship because I have a negative attitude to it and felt like I couldn't actual give my all to the relationship because of many different things that happened to effect my Aspergers and having a relationship on top of that and the pressures surrounding that would've have been the end for me as a person. 

But as someone who now is older and also completed all the stressful things in life that have kind of dominated my life over the past few years it's time to make a fresh start and try and maybe open up and get rid of this negative attitude towards a relationship with a guy. 

I'm learning to understand my Aspergers and the way it can control or dominate my behaviour but also know now that I could in fact let someone else into my life and share it with them and also relax and give up some control.  

Something about Aspergers is that the more you learn about who you are a person you can then find someone that matches you or is compatible with you. Growing the confidence to get out there and meet someone is completely different. 

Meeting someone can be done anywhere, but the confidence to actively go and engage with a person can be difficult. In different situations the way in which you socially interact can change and also the way the Aspergers behaves itself. 

On Your Own: 

Being on your own you lose confidence and more bothered about keeping your anxiety under control rather than engaging with a stranger in a conversation. 

It's all about who approaches who and usually you're not the one who walks over to the person you are interested in.

In public it's more difficult than in the online World:

 In the online world the feeling is that you are safer due to the fact that you are using a keyboard rather than your mouth and there is no need to give eye contact or mimic behaviour to fit in. So therefore you can find people easily who have similar interests to you and well you along with. The probability of finding someone in the Real World that is has the same interest isn't as likely unless you're at University or College.
There are positives to socialising on the internet but BEWARE!

I have written a post about Online Relationships and I do recommend you give that a read because there are people out there who aren't all they seem. 

In a Social Setting - Nights Out 

Going out into a packed club or pub with your friends and managing to hold a conversation with them as well as keeping your Aspergers under control.
The great thing about going out is that you get to get a little bit glamourous  (Do your hair and make up and wear a dress maybe?) , Have a little tipple or a few and mainly have a great time with you're friends taring up the dance floor.
But what happens when someone becomes interested in you? What do you do??

Well in the past I have had a few drinks and actually gone up and started a conversation with them and found that they are interesting and had similar interests. But also when I've been out and about.. giving subtle eye contact just to attract a little attention from the guy. But if you don't feel confident enough then just keep within your circle of friends.

If he comes to you then I would say try and spark up a conversation if you feel like the person is not a threat or you are attracted to them. If you feel threatened then immediately walk away and go to a place of safety. Stay with your friends and don't feel like you have to be polite. With strangers you never know who you are talking to and if you don't feel right just walk away.


The most important thing about this blog post is to know that even though you may think you are ready for a relationship but still discuss or think about how your Aspergers might effect it positively or negatively and work out those issues.
Always inform your partner that you have Aspergers and that sometimes it can seem like you are being disengaged or not invested but that might be due down to other things connected to the Aspergers. If they really care about you then they will understand.

There is a post on how to tell someone that you have Aspergers and the right time to do so! 

Don't feel like you have to avoid having a meaningful relationship and still have Aspergers.

Sophie xxx