waiting for life to finally kick start

Waiting for life to start is like waiting for a bus to arrive (I'm stood at a bus stop now) developments that can kick start the process of making the 'next step' can be difficult ... I know as I'm doing it now and I'm already impatiently waiting for it to begin. 
Whether it's getting a qualification or just getting a job life isn't exciting unless you're doing something that you love. 
After all the training, it's the process of getting noticed ... being noticed is different as we all like to live in the shadows but hey that isn't going to help. 

I'm sick of watching trash TV, Washing , cleaning the house and basically doing nothing after trying to better myself for the last 6 years , help is needed ... effort is required and most of all self confidence which at the moment I do not have in bucket loads. 

Here is the major issue with my AS is that I doubt myself on a regular basis on every little thing I do - to me it isn't good enough! 
I wish I could say: 
"hey i've done so well!" 

But in my head , it's that niggling little voice that doubts my abillity to do that and it eats away until your sat in your room eating cookie dough ice cream out of the tub with depressing somgs playing faintly in the background and crying. 

I know that all people go through this, autistic or not. But with autism it seems harder , the crashes are harder and the highs are extreme and then the even plato does not arrive... whether you see a councillor or you take medication inside you're still beating yourself to the ground in a heart beat ... waiting for the next high and low to come and then the cycle begins again... also getting into the next step on your own is a lonely and frightening experience and in a country that is supposed to help people the UK isn't the best with Autism. 

Charities can only do so much , councils won't really play ball and here you are caught in the middle wondering : 

"What the hell am I supposed to do?" 

And the answer is to fight for it , but when your life is a complete and utter battle everyday ... with your own emotions and then this on top will in the end make you want to give up. 
The most amazing people I've ever met haven't had everything given to them on a plate ... have had difficulties in the past and in my case I have trained myself not to be who I truely am ... although I should be able to. 

The point is why should we have to make this up hill battle and beat ourselves up everytime a rejection for a job comes along or not being excepted into Univeristy? 
Why should we be the ones to suffer , we have aspirations and hey I want it all and I want it NOW! 

Sophie xxx 

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