Opening up old wounds

I can't explain what I felt today, remember my last post where I mentioned that I have finished my degree and the elation I felt because of that. I told a story about when I was at school and what I would say to my 13 year old self.

Today I explored this in more detail with a councillor and the only reason I am sharing this with you is that for the first time in 5 maybe 6 years I opened myself up to trusting myself for the first time in my life.
As a 22 year old looking back at this terrified little girl who felt like she had no one in the world but herself I felt horrible as she still lives within me, screaming for help and I can't bring myself to help her as I know, even when she looks at me with her tortured eyes and expression (I visualise things) I couldn't bare the site. It was like she was begging me and I couldn't even hold her hand and tell her everything is going to be alright and she should trust me.

Trust issues is something everyone will go through whether AS or not, AS makes it a little harder to understand but the thing is that trust is something that everyone should be able to do with no self doubt and no hesitation but then we wouldn't be human if we didn't think like that. The reason I am talking or should I say writing about this is because for the first time I actually understood myself and that I need to take that first baby step in trusting myself and then letting other people in.


Sophie xxxx

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