feeling like i'm losing the Plot

So final semester stress has finally raised it's ugly head + my friends are pressuring me to forgive someone who just had complete and total disrespect for me right now in the near to 12 days left  before my final project deadline. 

This is going to kill me! If I don't keep calm, which I have done for a while but it's at the stage where I feel like i'm going to explode. And I don't want to cos all it does is cause misery and pain and ultimately again I am the bad guy. I also don't want to be sectioned or go back to a mental health unit because I can't go back. I've come so far and I feel like if I slip now at the last and most important hurdle that I'll just say goodbye to my life that i've worked so hard to create for myself. A career, A passion and ultimately a two fingers to my school who told me: 

"I'd amount to nothing." 

To win a battle with my own demons who control me, saying that they're right and that I am nothing, worthless... I don't desreve it. 

And all I have is my own strength to get me through each day, each second even (cos lets face it us Asperger's only live by minutes and seconds because we can change moods so quickly) and thats slowly going away. My mind is constantly racing with information that I can't control. The anxiety is coursing through me and eating away at me internally like a rabid animal who won't let go. I have a tightness in my chest and I can feel a panic attack coming on and all because of the fact that i'm going on holiday in 3 months time. 3 Fudging Months!!! I'd understand if it was a month away but right now in this second I can't handle it! I can't do with this pressure that I have been put under. 

I'm going to ruin the holiday, no i'm not ... sometimes NT's (normal people) do my head in because they have no idea how to understand the Aspergers mind, let alone see what we have to deal with on a daily basis and how we manage to cope in the worst case situations that seem nothing to them. The problem is that if and that is A BIG IF I forgive , that he'll do it again and again to the point where ai lose my temper and something awful happens. I'm not normally violent but if constantly taunted I will do something like explode, hit a wall, a door, break something ... or worse i'll hurt someone and I don't want to do that. And this is the thing that no one really understands is when my anxiety reaches a certain level and I cross that line ... it takes a while for me to come back. 

Anxiety + stress/pressure= Anger 

That anger is the purest of anger, where you lose control and you switch off emotionally and just let go of in some ways what I think to be humanity... it's like an animal instinct , you feel threatened, you react to that threat and it can go into fight or flight.

As i've grown up i've gone flight to fight mode where i do get increasingly aggressive to the point where disabling that threat is to lash out on it, and if it is a human being then we are in trouble. Because violence is wrong, in the heat of the moment you don't think, I black out until i've calmed down and then i realise what has happened when i see my knuckles are briused and swollen and i might have to go A&E ( this happened a lot when I was a teenager- I nearly got sectioned if it wasn't for my mum) to get it treated. 

I have a counseller which is helping cos I can put my stresses into context and manage them, but with all this happening I don't think I can to be honest. 1 step at a time is how to deal with things but life and ultimately people get in the  way with other thing  that they have to adress right this minute in your life which is over complicated as it is, and in grand scheme of things it doesn't matter. Nothing really matters, apart from what you need to do now , right now this minute. Otherwise we'll just overheat and then burn out or explode. 

I look at it like a computer... if there is to much information for the server to process then it begins to overheat, the computer will either crash and need a reboot or it will set itself on fire. 

 

The setting itself on fire is the bad bit.... and I don't want that to happen. 

Anyway wnough of my ramblings , I needed somewhere else to vent other than my journal that has a lot of expletives in it. 

A helpful post will be on it's way soon :) 

Sophie xxxx